Andrew Q. Gordon

It’s Too Easy to Forget

Thank you Andrew, for hosting the Blue Notes Holiday 2013 Blog Tour!  I’m celebrating the release of Encore, the fifth installment in the Blue Notes Series, as well as the upcoming release of the first holiday novella in the series, Symphony inBlue.  Symphony in Blue is also my 10^th Dreamspinner Press release, so even more reason for me to be jumping up and down like a complete fool!  To celebrate, I’m running a contest with some super prizes, including a brand-new Kindle e-reader loaded with ebooks.  Check the end of the post for the link to Rafflecopter app.  You can enter more than once, and there are lots of ways to enter.  The contest ends on New Year’s Eve!

Encore, and the Blue Notes Series in general, are loosely based upon my own experiences as a professional musician and upon the men and women I met during my career as an opera singer.  In so many ways, the characters in Blue Notes are a part of me.  More than any other book, Encore, captures a part of my life and a time in history that is very personal to me.  Raw, even, at times.

The main characters in Encore, conductor John Fuchs and violinist Roger Nelson, meet in high school.  And although they’re a few years old than I am, their high school years in Toledo, Ohio, are very much like my own experiences in Cleveland, not all that far away.  With a few key differences.  Roger loses his only brother in Vietnam, a tragedy that remains with him throughout his life.  He struggles to be the son his parents want him to be: a replacement for his brother.  The perfect son.  And he sacrifices his own happiness to be that son.

The 1970s were a much different time.  Now, we hear about the fight for marriage equality on the news, in rap songs, on the internet.  In 1972, when Roger and John first meet, nobody was talking marriage equality.  They were talking about perverts, fags, or even “fluters,” as John’s father calls gay men when there’s a report about the Stonewall riots on television.  John knows he can’t be anything but who he is, although he is definitely closeted in high school.  For Roger, who is trying to take his brother’s place in his parent’s hearts, homosexuality isn’t even on the radar.  When he falls hard for John, he has no clue whatsoever what to do about it.  He says he doesn’t care what people think about his homosexuality, but the truth is really the opposite.

It’s far too easy to forget what life was like back then.  When Roger leaves John without an explanation, it’s easy for those of us who didn’t live through that time to blame him.  Why didn’t he talk to John about his feelings?  Why, if he says he loves John, can’t he admit that he can’t handle things?  Back in the early 1970s, most of the men I knew didn’t discuss their likes and dislikes, let alone their feelings.  To say, “I can’t handle the pressure of family and friends,” or “I can’t handle a gay relationship,” was so foreign, it could have been a different language.  True, even today, many men still have a difficult time expressing themselves, but in the 1970s?

It takes Roger more than thirty years to figure things out.   And when he does, he starts by admitting the truth to John.  Not that John didn’t already know the truth.  But it’s the start both men need to rebuild their relationship in the context of the modern world.  It’s still not an easy thing for Roger, but with John’s help, Roger finally finds his measure of happiness.

Roger and John are based on real men in my own life.  Men who had no role models for gay relationships, let alone what we consider “healthy” relationships.  Men who persevered through the epithets, the gay bashings, and the in-your-face hatred.  Roger and John become the foundation for the next generation of musicians in the Blue Notes series, and they become mentors and role models for them, as well.

We’ve come so far.  Not far enough, but sometimes it helps to put things in perspective.  For me, writing Encore was more than just a trip down memory lane, it was a reminder that we owe men like Roger and John a debt of gratitude. –Shira

Excerpt:

Roger watched the snow fall outside the window of his apartment before glancing over at the clock. It was nearly 9:00 p.m., and John should have arrived an hour before.

“Promise me you won’t come if the snow gets too bad. You know how I-23 can get,” he’d told John that morning over the phone.

“I’ll be fine,” John had reassured him. “With the opera rehearsal schedule and Professor Menard’s vocal performance class, I’d never get to see you if I waited for perfect weather.”

Now, an hour after John was supposed to be here, Roger was pacing the apartment. Worrying. Imagining John’s car somewhere in a ditch. Or worse.

He pulled a beer out of the fridge, popped the top, and resumed his pacing. Ten minutes later, the phone rang.

“Hello!” he practically barked into the handset.

“Roger?”

“Oh, hey, Mom.” Fuck. “How’re you doing?”

“Fine.” She paused, and Roger tried to think of something to get her off the phone. If John needed to get a hold of him, he didn’t want him to get a busy signal. “I’m surprised you’re around on a Saturday night. You usually aren’t.”

“I’ve got an exam on Monday,” he lied. “I can’t talk long.”

“No, of course. I wouldn’t want to keep you from it.” She’d been thrilled when he’d told her he planned on finishing school in three years. He hadn’t told her he planned on moving to New York, where John had already been accepted to do his master’s in conducting at Juilliard.

“Thanks, Mom.” Roger pushed back the curtain on the window in the kitchen with his foot—the long telephone cord didn’t go quite that far. From here, he could see the parking lot. A blanket of white covered the stripes on the asphalt. No John.

“… aren’t you?”

“Huh?”

“I asked if you were coming over on Monday for dinner.” She sounded irritated.

“Oh, yeah. Right. Sure. I’ll be there.” He had to get her off the phone. “Look, Mom. I gotta get back to studying. I’ll see you Monday, okay?”

“Are you sure everything is all right, dear?”

“It’s great, Mom. I really need to go.”

Her huff was audible through the handset. “Of course.”

“Bye.”

He hung up the phone before she could say anything more, and opened the drapes a bit farther. There had to be at least six inches of snow outside. He pressed his nose against the cold glass like he had when he’d been a kid, then closed his eyes. A moment later, the buzzer to the apartment sounded.

Thank God!

Roger scrambled over to the door and opened it to find a disheveled John smiling back at him. “Had to ditch the car over by the Woolworth’s. Forgot my keys. The ploughs haven’t made it this far yet—”

Roger grabbed John and pulled him inside. He was soaking wet, his shoulder-length hair curled at the ends, but Roger didn’t care. He drew John against him, wrapped his arms around his shoulders, and just held him.

“You okay?” John’s voice sounded muffled against Roger’s cheek.

“I am now.”

“Can I take this backpack off?” John asked with a soft laugh. “It’s a little heavy.”

“Oh. Shit. Sorry.” Roger grabbed the pack off John’s shoulders and kicked the door shut behind them.

“You were worried about me.” Not a question, and the way the edges of John’s mouth edged upward, Roger could tell he was teasing.

Roger was tempted to lie, but he was so relieved, he just sighed and said, “Yeah.”

John stared at him in surprise. “You really were worried.”

“Fuck, John, I—”

John kissed him. He tasted of snow and Coca-Cola. Roger closed his eyes as their tongues skirted each other in a now-familiar dance. God, he loved John! More than he could get up the nerve to admit.

For two years they’d stolen every moment they could, working around John’s busy schedule and Roger’s mother. Miranda suspected something. Roger was sure of it. She’d even shown up at the apartment early in the morning on the weekend. John said he was sure she was trying to catch them together. It made things a bit more difficult, but they’d worked it out. John stored his things under the bed, and the bedroom closet was big enough that he could slip inside and hide. They’d left a few pillows behind Roger’s clothing, as well as a flashlight and a few books.

“Don’t worry about it,” John had said the first time he’d hidden there. They both knew Roger needed his parents to pay tuition—at least they hadn’t threatened to stop when Roger announced he was getting his own apartment. “It’s just for a little while.”

Roger came back to himself and realized John was shivering. “Shit, John. You’re freezing your ass off.” He took John by the hand and led him into the bedroom. In the light, John’s cheeks looked pink in contrast to his pale skin. Roger unzipped John’s wet jacket and pushed it off his shoulders. “Stay right there,” he said before stepping into the bathroom to retrieve a towel.

John smiled as Roger dried his face and hair. “Feels good. I like it when you fuss over me.”

Roger’s cheeks heated. “Your pants are soaked,” he said in an effort to mask his embarrassment. He reached for John’s belt, undid the buckle, and unbuttoned the waist of John’s pants. The room was silent except for the sound of the zipper and Roger’s heart pounding in his ears. His hands shook as he pulled John’s pants down—he still hadn’t quite moved past the sinking feeling in his gut that had lodged itself there when he’d worried something had happened to John. He could handle a lot, but the thought of losing John terrified him.

“Are you okay?” John was studying him with a strange expression.

“Yeah.” I am now.

Roger focused on helping John step out of the cold, damp pants. He knew if he met John’s gaze, everything he felt would be obvious. It wasn’t just that he was embarrassed. What he felt was something he’d only begun to understand: vulnerability. The feeling you get when you realize your entire world would come to a screeching halt if the certain someone in your life were to vanish.

John shivered again.

“Get under the covers. I’ll be there in a minute.” Roger watched John pull the warm comforter over himself as he got undressed. He joined John underneath and skated his palms over John’s cold thighs until they warmed to his touch.

“Feels good.”

“You’re still cold.” Roger wrapped his body around John’s and held him. John’s skin was slightly damp against his own.

“I’m fine.” John tucked his chin into the space between Roger’s neck and shoulder. “Really.”

Roger just held him tighter.

“Roger?”

“Hmm?”

“You okay?” John pulled away a bit and looked at him with obvious concern.

“Yeah.”

“Talk to me, Roger. What’s up?”

It was Roger’s turn to shiver. “I told you. I was just a little worried.”

“About me?” John reached for Roger’s face and pulled it gently so that Roger had no choice but to look at him.

“Yeah.” He didn’t want to talk about this. He just wanted to hold John and reassure himself John was safe. He looked away again.

“Hey.” John rolled onto his side so his face was next to Roger’s. “You can tell me, you know. I’m not going to laugh or anything.”

“I know.” Roger hesitated another moment, then said, “It’s just that I feel like an idiot.”

“Worrying about me doesn’t make you an idiot.” John leaned in and kissed Roger’s nose. “It makes me feel good.”

Roger’s breath stuttered. “I kept thinking back to that night… the accident. I kept imagining you in a ditch somewhere. Hurt…. Shit.” He grabbed John and buried his face in his chest. “I dream about that night sometimes, except in my dreams, you’re….” He clenched his jaw and blinked back tears. He’d had a lot of those dreams—nightmares, really—since John had started driving down from Ann Arbor to stay with him. He dreamed he woke up in the hospital and instead of John being all right, the doctor told him they’d done everything they could, and then he was standing in front of a headstone and he knew, he just knew whose headstone it was.

“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you,” Roger whispered. “I’d lose my mind. I love you so fucking much, I don’t know what I’d do.” It took him a moment to realize what he’d just said.

John leaned over and kissed him again, this time on the lips. In the semidarkness, Roger saw John’s eyes sparkle. The edges of his mouth curved upward in a tentative smile as the kiss broke. “You love me?” he asked.

Roger could only nod.

“Thank God. Because I don’t know what I’d do if I was the only one who felt like that.”

“You love me too.” He said the words as though he didn’t believe them.

“Always, Roger.”

Blue Notes Series Holiday 2013 Giveaway:

• Begins on release day for “Encore,” November 11, 2013
• Ends on New Year’s Eve, December 31, 2013, at midnight
• Drawings are open to both U.S. readers and international readers, but physical prizes (Kindle, necklace, book, and t-shirt) are for U.S. readers only. I will award a virtual set of the first 4 Blue Notes Series books to one winner from outside the U.S.
• Prizes (U.S. Only):
  • Grand Prize: A Kindle loaded with the first 4 Blue Notes Series books and some of my other back titles
  • 1st Place: A sterling silver music themed necklace
  • 2nd Place: Winner’s choice of one of my back titles in paperback (i.e., not including the 2 new releases)
  • 3rd Place: Blue Notes t-shirt, cover of the winner’s choice

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Buy Links: 

Encore:

Symphony in Blue:

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Blog Stops Currently Scheduled (with hyperlinks):

November 11th (release day – Encore):  Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Words (Melanie Marshall)

November 12th: Live Your Life, Buy the Book

November 14th: Michael Rupured’s Blog

November 15th: Joyfully Jay (Blue Notes Cover Art – Interviews with the Artists)

November 18th: Elin Gregory’s blog

November 22nd: Aisling Mancy’s blog

November 26th: Andrew Q. Gordon’s blog

December 6th: Oscar’s Bruised Petals (Sandra Garcia’s blog)

December 10th: Brilliant Disguise (Tali Spencer’s blog)

December 16th: Rebecca Cohen’s blog

December 20th: Purple Rose Teahouse (Charlie Cochet’s blog)

December 23rd: Mrs. Condits and Friends

December 25^th: Symphony in Blue Release Day Party at Melanie Marshall’s Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Words

December 26^th: Book Suburbia

December 27th:  Helen Pattskyn’s blog

About The Author:

Shira Anthony was a professional opera singer in her last incarnation, performing roles in such operas as Tosca, Pagliacci, and La Traviata, among others. She’s given up TV for evenings spent with her laptop, and she never goes anywhere without a pile of unread M/M romance on her Kindle.

Shira is married with two children and two insane dogs, and when she’s not writing, she is usually in a courtroom trying to make the world safer for children. When she’s not working, she can be found aboard a 35’ catamaran at the Carolina coast with her favorite sexy captain at the wheel.

Shira’s Blue Notes Series of classical music themed gay romances was named one of Scattered Thoughts and Rogue Word’s “Best Series of 2012,” and The Melody Thief was named one of the “Best Novels in a Series of 2012.” The Melody Thief also received an honorable mention, “One Perfect Score” at the 2012 Rainbow Awards.

Social Media Links:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/shira.anthony

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4641776.Shira_Anthony

Twitter: @WriterShira

Website: http://www.shiraanthony.com

E-mail: shiraanthony@hotmail.com